Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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absolute chaos
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear