subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
You Might Also Like
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why