Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
we all know this pain all too well
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
very niche meme I made