Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

You Might Also Like


me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?


Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.


I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”


Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!


BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive


“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(


When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.


I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.


“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows