@English_Channel me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
@Im_Tricia Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
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@English_Channel 
@john_self Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
@Cheeseboy22 I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
@kevinthedad Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
@weirdralph BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
@Harbinger_one “Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
@joeljeffrey When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
@bvinson23 I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
@Shariv67 “I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
@Henry_3000 Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.