@Im_Tricia

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

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@JasonLastname

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

@QwertyJones3

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

@thedad

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

@vineyille

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

@MelvinofYork

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

@UnFitz

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

@pattonoswalt

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

@Love_bug1016

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*