Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose