Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You Might Also Like
I can fix him.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD