Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.