Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
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but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Sorted
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.