sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Worth remembering.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up