This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…