*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”