*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[eats all your cotton candy]
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When someone trying to leave me
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.