Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
You Might Also Like
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.