suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
saw this in a dream
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments