Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
😂😂
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.