Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”