Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment