@whatsJo

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

@DionneMcNutt

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

@sock_holliday

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

@KyleMakesStufUp

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

@AllieGoertz

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

@UnFitz

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@sofarrsogud

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?