All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*
[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?