Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Never ghost your hitman.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
sigh
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now