“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
#SuperBowl
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for