@tea_n_cake89

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

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@mgfkingslynn

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

@dril

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

@shutupmikeginn

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@LifeStricken

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

@mommajessiec

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

@Leslie_Annie

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

@TheOneTrueDisco

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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