Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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Never forget.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
no!! no!!!!!!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game