Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
how much for the angry fruit?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend