Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once