Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
You Might Also Like
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
That’s it.I’m out.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting