Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos