*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Happy Taco Tuesday
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.