sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
life finds a way
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit