SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.