Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
And now we wait
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
i really liked this one
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
#Caturday
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.