Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!