[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.