[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I鈥檝e ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o鈥檚 sweatshirt after school.
Can鈥檛 tell whether she鈥檚 starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don鈥檛 care feed me
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My daughter鈥檚 school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don鈥檛 take it personally
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When I laugh on my period
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I hate when I have dreams about work. I鈥檓 not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
It鈥檚 never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I鈥檓 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I鈥檓. A butcher.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You鈥檙e not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The thing that鈥檚 wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they鈥檙e oatmeal raisin cookies.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease