Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.