Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You Might Also Like
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes