Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Born to be mild.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”