Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
(yawn)
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.