Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Gemma Correll
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’