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@MollySneed

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

@VerbsRProudest

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

@TheRolo

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

@zachreinert0

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

@AshenMistHeart

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see ๐Ÿ˜‰

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

@TheAndrewNadeau

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@Cafeinated_Dad

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: ๐Ÿ˜