#SuperBowl
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
catch me on valentine’s day like
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops