SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.


BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.


The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.


[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.


Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*


I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.


When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime