Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Dead sexy!!
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see