superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
We’re all getting idioter.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)