Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
S M O L
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.