Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
@ candidates for local office
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.