Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.