Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that