Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.