Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The three genders
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Home #decor warning.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.