I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?