Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War