SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day