superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.