Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.